You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
