the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
as a side note pls kill me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
