Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
