this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
