Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
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