...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Randomize
