I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
