i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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