What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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