No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
