Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
