sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
