Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
