Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
