i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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