I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
