Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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