i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
