At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
