im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
