if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
