Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
