He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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