I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
