Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
