your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
