I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
