He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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