It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's get the cat blown out
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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