He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
