No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
