fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
