the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
