Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
