Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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