if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
