Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
