he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
