God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
