My room smells like vodka and shame
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
