i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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