Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
