Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
