If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
