I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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