I am midnight drunk by noon
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
