Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
