i think my tv is drunk
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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