can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Holy shit dude........stairs
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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