He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
