Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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