my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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