I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
