I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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